My beef with Lady Gaga

This week saw the release of H&M's holidays campaign via a glitzy You Tube video, featuring Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett:

The campaign rather cleverly adds a new dimension of 'Christmas Album' to Gaga and Bennett's 'Cheek to Cheek' collaboration, which was released earlier this year.

I wanted to like this album but I found myself unable to hear beyond, at times, Gaga's forced vocals. I also found myself unable to see beyond her imagery, which jars with what is supposed to be an homage to the jazz standards.

In an attempt to understand why this latest era in Gaga's evolution has rattled me so, I found myself coming to the following conclusion:

Lady Gaga is without doubt the most contrived artist of our times.

The warmth, originality and chutzpah of her earlier work and performances, has been replaced by something that borders on the megalomaniacal.

She bastardises and unashamedly borrows the work of those who have gone before her, with a tour de force not unlike the 'Mecha-Stresiand' in South Park, swallowing genres wholesale, with no deference  or respect to the original artist. They are simply trophies she acquires as her own, in an ill attempt to try and prove to the world she is a credible artist.

Gaga's much self-hyped prior release, 'ARTPOP', is just pop music. It's not the highly conceptual art piece that she made it out to be. It's a bunch of fairly good pop songs, which have had more imagery thrown at them, then you can shake a (disco) stick at. In the end, the whole project smacked of desperation more than it did originality, which is a shame, because (and I repeat), she can write a good pop song!

These are the reasons why I can no longer relate to Lady Gaga as an artist. There is no sincerity, there is about as much warmth as a leaky hot water bottle, and dare I say it, there is no brilliance anymore; just a huge ego that thinks it's a creative genius however in reality, is just a wannabe.

Now I have gotten that off my chest, I am off to listen to the 'PopArt' album; and by that I mean the Pet Shop Boys hit collection, which is actually a much more genuine and successful attempt at bringing higher cultural references into pop music.

I am a monster!

Ten songs you never knew were produced by PWL

The familiar sound of Stock, Aitken and Waterman (SAW) and their various sound engineers - all covered here by the Pete Waterman Limited (PWL) umbrella - is one that defined the eighties and early nineties.

Here are 10 lesser known gems that you may be surprised to find PWL had a hand in making:

10: Kylie Minogue: Tell Tale Signs

Kylie's eponymous debut was a blend of brash europop (for which PWL would become best known) and R&B lite; a nod to their earlier work with Princess ('Say I'm Your Number One') and Mel & Kim (More Than Words Can Say'). Follow-up 'Enjoy Yourself' continued in a similar vein, with four notable exceptions; 'My Secret Heart' - quirky and more chord changes than you can shake a stick at, 'Heaven & Earth' and 'Tears on my Pillow' - the album's obligatory ballads, and 'Tell Tale Signs' - marking the arrival of torch-song Kylie, and to this day remaining a fan favourite:

9: O'chi Brown and Rick Astley: Learning To Live (Without Your Love) (Midnight Lovers Mix)

PWL do American style soul, performed here by O'Chi Brown and Rick Astley, prior to Rick's worldwide fame. Incidentally, Brown originally recorded 'Whenever Your Need Somebody', which Astley later went onto achieve global success with:



8: Bananarama: Mr Sleaze 

SAW used a number of Bananarama b-sides to experiment with different genres, including the funk driven 'Mr Sleaze in 1987'. This rare groove sound was used earlier in that year, on SAW's 'Roadblock'.






7: Andy Paul: Anna Maria Lena 

You may know that Pete Waterman and Mike Stock (along with Steve Crosby) wrote and produced the UK's 2010 Eurovision entry - 'That Sounds Good To Me'. You may not know, that SAW produced Cyprus's 1984 Eurovision entry - 'Anna Maria Lena':



6: La Toya Jackson: Just Say No

Perhaps not the preferred Jackson PWL wanted to work with, nonetheless SAW contributed three songs to La Toya's 1988 eponymous album. 'Just Say No' was written for Nancy Regan's anti-drugs campaign:



5: Expose: Point of No Return (PWL Remix)

In 1987, PWL Mixmaster, Phil Harding, remixed 'Point Of No Return' for the American freestyle sensation, Expose.

A year later, SAW worked with another freestyle group, Sequal. 'Tell Him I Called' is the best known song from this collaboration:






4: Depeche Mode: Strangelove (Pain Mix)

Maintaing the balance between alternative credibility and pop sensibility, Phil Harding comes up with the goods yet again on this Depeche Mode remix:



3: Banarama: Ectasy (Chicago House Stylee)

Thanks to the influence of Pete Tong (head of London Records A&R at the time of the emerging chicago house sound), PWL experimented with the genre for one of Pete's better know acts, Banarama, in 1987:




2: The Visionmasters and Tony King featuring Kylie Minogue: Keep On Pumping It

Released in 1991 with the rave scene in mind, 'Keep On Pumping It' featured a sample of 'I Guess I Like It Like That', taken from Kylie's fourth album, 'Let's Get To It'. 'Rave Kylie' continued into 1992, with the club influenced 'Do You Dare' and 'Closer', which featured as b-sides to 'Give Me A Little More Time' and 'Finer Feelings' respectively:







1: Mandy Smith: I Just Can't Wait (Cool and Breezy Jazz Mix)

Mandy Smith may well be remembered for two reasons; her short-lived marriage to Rolling Stone Bill Wyman and this version of her 1987 single 'I Just Can't Wait'; still seen as an influential record on the then still emerging Balearic House scene.

The same laid-back guitar groove (courtesy of Matt Aitken) can be found be heard on 'Matt's Jazzy Guitar Mix' of Rick Astely's 'It Would Take A Strong, Strong Man':

Sinitta's Lunchbox

Ho, ho, ho! Snit here. 'Celebrity Taxi Driver' has somewhat taken over and I am delighted how well it's gone. Who would have thought that I, international disco and fashion sensation, Sinitta Malone, could get into an all star reality TV show final, with Lulu's body double and Carol Vorderman's sister? All I have to do is pull off the 'cleaning sick out the back of cab' challenge and I could be crowned the hackney carriage Queen!

I am not one to let fame go to my head however and still pack my lunchbox full of nutritional goodness everyday. Here's what's been floating my boat recently.

(1) The beautiful Kylie Minouge and her shimmering new single 'Better Than Today'. This gem is released in the UK on the 5th of December:



(2) Cadbury's Chocolate Fingers - I like to treat myself with a finger in the run up to Christmas

(3) Cheryl Cole's US visa application

(4) Nicole Scherzinger's newie 'Poison' is Wicked! The ex Pussycat Doll rocks it big time on this anthemic kick-ass electro/pop confection. I only wish I hadn't turned RedOne down when I was offered this song myself for forthcoming album 'Snit Bit's'. Check out the kick-ass video here:

Sinitta's Lunchbox

Hey guys. Snit here. I am dieting at the momento, so it's been a bit of a lean lunch box for me of late. I am on the 'Low Fat Pop Tart' diet - recipe book to follow!

So here's what I've been lugging around this week:

(1) Mark Owen - he's very small. Unlike his mobile phone bill.
(2) Low Fat Pop Tarts - the versatile snack that fills a hole like no other
(3) 'Oh Santa' - Mariah Carey's catchy new Christmas offering. It's not 'All I Want For Christmas' but kudos to Maz for churning our a half-decent Xmas number. Christmas has indeed arrived early in the Malone household this year!



I'm off now to film 'Celebrity Taxi Driver' where a group of c-listers spend a week working London taxi's and learning 'The Knowledge'. I'm really excited about working with Vanessa Feltz, Lulu's body double and one of the chimps from the PG Tips advert. I've got strong competition. Wicked!

Sinitta's Lunchbox

Hi guys. It's Snit here. Sorry for my lack of posts. The X-Factor has been keeping me very busy. It's hard work sitting next to Simon Cowell wearing no clothes and saying next to nothing. Then of course I have been involved in the styling of the groups - Simon's category for this years X-Factor. It's nice to know my unique sense of style has finally been recognised !

As you can imagine, all this work means I have been more reliant on my lunch-box than ever - those boy-bands have been keeping my box full!

Here's some of the tempting delights that have been floating my boat in recent weeks:

(1) The Journey - aka the cute boy-band that almost made it through to the X-Factor live shows. Apparently they are not a polished, rehearsed and contriveed boy band - they really are plumbers, electricians and dustbin men.

(2) Yorkshire pudding - my favourite food. Hot. Cold. Any which way.

(3) Fans - a girl can never have enough fans to keep her cool. I have many in different colours to match my lack of clothing!

(4) Nadine vs. Cheryl - as a member of the X-Factor alumni and someone who knows Cheryl well, you can guess why my loyalties lie? That's right - I'm backing Nadine Coyle all the way:



(5) Half a Crispy Peeking Duck

(6) Mary Byrne's Tesco Clubcard (I need the points for my Aunt Bessies')

(7) The upcoming spectacular that is 'Burlesque'. Christina Aguilera and Cher star in this all singing, all dancing movie spectacular. I was of course offered the lead ahead of Xtina but had to turn it down due to my X-Factor commitments. There's a fab soundtrack accompanying the film too, featuring the previously retired Cher, lending her pipes to a Diane Warren power ballad. What more could a girl want?

Re-visiting Xtina's Bionic

Now that the dust has died down, I thought it might be a good time to re-evaluate Christina Aguilera’s ‘Bionic’, in the cold light of day. If Madonna is the queen of re-invention, Xtina is the mistress of the quick change – from her teen pop debut to her retro-inspired third album, touching on R&B, mature ballads and Latin pop en route – Aguilera makes and breaks the rules as she goes along. It is a strategy that has worked until now and given that success, it is no surprise that expectations for her latest offering were high.

The deluxe edition of ‘Bionic’ comes in at a whopping 23 tracks. Admittedly, this includes three interludes but it’s still a hefty collection and more often than not quantity and quality do not equate– an adage which unfortunately holds true in this instance.

The title track is catchy enough but there is nothing new here and the same can be said for the second track and lead single - ‘Not Myself Tonight’ - the highlight of which is Christina’s gutsy lyrics in the chorus. ‘Woohoo’ is a quite frankly embarrassing ode to oral sex and makes Madonna’s attempt at said subject 18 years ago seem like high art. ‘Elastic Love’ is a bit of electro fun, even if the lyric is slightly lacking and ‘Des Nudities’ is the token Spanglish number.

Enter part two of ‘Bionic’, the section which has the most in common with a certain Lady Gaga. That’s not to say that the songs here are bad carbon copies – on the contrary - ‘Glam’ is a pretty slice of electro pop and ‘Prima Donna’ is Aguilera at her tongue-in-cheek best. It’s the ‘Love & Glamour’ interlude, hanging the two tracks together that makes the listener draw comparisons to Gaga. Just as things as are getting good we are back to seXtina. This time ‘Sex for Breakfast’ is more Janet Jackson than Madonna and it’s as if the song has been dropped on the album from another planet (with an obligatory interlude before to try and justify its existence).

It’s the ballads section next. If it wasn't for a third and final interlude, ‘Life Me Up’ and ‘All I Need’ could easily merge into one. ‘I Am’ is a ‘self-therapy’ Aguilera standard and ‘You Lost Me’ is by far the best and most haunting song on the album.

The fourth and final section of the collection feels like it could be a standalone album in its own right. ‘I Hate Boys’ works well with its driving beat, despite the moronic lyrics. ‘My Girls’ mixes electro and disco to positive effect but as before, the two-dimensional lyrics let it down. Aguilera’s back to laughing at herself on ‘Vanity’, and the disco inspired ‘Monday Morning’ features a slightly softer vocal from Xtina. ‘Bobblehead’ has a message. The problem is it’s annoying to listen to so the message is lost. ‘Birds of Prey’ is sublime and probably one of the more mature moments on ‘Bionic’. Finally, ballad ‘Stronger than Ever’ and an acoustic version of ‘I Am’ close the collection on a high.

Critics initial reaction to ‘Bionic’ has been to label it as a Gaga like copy, and whilst there are strong similarities with some of Lady Gaga’s work, the comparison is an unfair one. The truth is that ‘Bionic’ borrows from a number of Christina’s contemporary’s – Madonna, Janet Jackson, and Katy Perry – to name a few. However, her crime here is not one of plagiarism. Instead it is of trying too hard, a fate that befell Kylie Minogue on her 2008 ‘X’ album and with the end result being a collection of almost random songs, selected to try and please everyone. This is understandable given the expectations on Christina for this project, however surprising given her previous tendency to stick two fingers up to what the rest of the world wants.

Sinitta's Lunchbox

Oh dear! This week Sinitta's lunchbox was returned to us in such a state that the best part of the bank holiday weekend has been spent cleaning it out - the dirty bitch!

No grudges will be held however, as the lunchbox of dreams needs to be replenished for the week ahead. So what goodies do we have in store:

(1) Blankety Blank cheque book and pen
(2) Oat-so-simple
(3) Curry Powder
(4) A low quality leak from the Madonna 'Celebration' sessions called 'Broken (I'm Sorry)':

http://soundcloud.com/newsofmadonna/broken-2

Despite the quality, it's a good track - very in keeping with the Confessions era. Here's hoping an HQ copy will surface sometime soon.

Sinitta's Lunchbox

Yum Yum! It's lunch time again with Snit - love her!

What have we got in the un-clothed one's lunch box today:

(1) Three carefully positioned vine leaves

(2) Pot Noodle

(3) Cheryl Cole's malaria tablets

(4) Xtina's new single - 'You Lost Me':

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_QpdhEcmBo&feature=av2n

It just goes to show when Ms. Aguilera sticks to what she does best - heartfelt ballads with a kick - she's definitely not destined for the dumper quite yet!

Sinitta's Lunchbox

Sinitta's lunchbox has just come back from hols (even lunchboxes need a break), hence the lack of post last week. Let's see what lurks inside the lunchbox of dreams this week:

(1) Signed photo of Nerys Hughes
(2) Beef Jerky
(3) Hazell Dean Mug
(4) Remixes for Kylie's 'Get Out Of My Way':

These are two of the better mixes on offer and I can honestly say for the first time in a long time, Parlophone have done us proud - commercial dance mixes that really get you moving!

Introducing ....

.... Sinitta's lunchbox.

Each week we will be having a look at what is in Sinitta's lunchbox.

That 'Snit' - you never know what she's popped in her box for the day ahead!

This week in' Sinitta's lunchbox':

Some lip gloss (probably from Savers)

Cheesy Puff Crisps

A lock of Simon Cowell's hair

The new Freemasons Remix of Hurt's 'Wonderful Life'

What an amazing remix. Well done everyone involved and thank you Sinitta for such a nutrious treat!

Aphrodite - The Review

Kylie's latest release comes after criticism that her last offering, 'X', didn't quite cut the mustard. Mingoue's fiercely loyal gay fan base made public their disappointment, climaxing with pro-Kylie UK gay mag 'Attitude', suggesting that the pop Princess had perhaps lost her way.

I am indeed guilty of adding my voice to that chorus of discontent (read my original blog post here), with my biggest criticism being that 'X' lacked a cohesive structure, evident in earlier releases. Instead, it seemed to be a mis-match of songs from 'it' producers and song writers of the day, with the misguided view that 'many cooks maketh a Kylie masterpiece'.

Two years on then, and the pressure for Kylie to get it right is understandably huge. 'Aphrodite' is Minogue's 11th studio album and it appears from the word go, she has listened to her critics and addressed the failings of her last project. Stuart Price (a la Madonna 'Confessions') was hired as executive producer to give the album that common thread that was so lacking on 'X'. So far so good, and on the first few listens of 'Aphrodite' it seems that this strategy has paid dividends.

Lead single 'All The Lover's' kicks off proceedings. This joyful number was produced by Jim Eliot with additional production by Price. The highlight of the track comes after the second chorus when we break down into Kylie's vocal before reaching a euphoric middle eight climax. 'All The Lovers' is the perfect choice for lead single, it showcases what the rest of the album has to offer without giving too much away.

Next up is second single, 'Get Out of my Way'. A dance-floor anthem if I have ever heard one, with typically coquette lyrics from La Minogue. 'Put Your Hands Up' follows in a similar vein. Potential single material here again with that 'call to the floor' quality, albeit on safe territory.

'Closer' is the first main departure of the album. The electro/harpsichord intro gives the track a quirky yet familiar feel, which works surprisingly well in the context of the rest of the collection. 'Everything is Beautiful' shifts the mood again and this time we slip down a gear. Penned by Tim Rice-Oxley from Keane fame, 'Everything is Beautiful' is possibly one of the albums more mature moments.

The title track 'Aphrodite' rocks. If not for the immortal line 'Can you feel me on the stereo', then for the fierce 'don't mess with me' chorus. This song surely rivals anything Gaga is currently doing and as such deserves a single release. The same can't be said about 'Illusion' which somewhat fades into insignificance after the mighty 'Aphrodite'.

'Better Than Today' is another potential single, sounding more Scissor Sisters than the next track 'Too Much', the long anticipated Minogue/Jake Shears/Calvin Harris collaboration. 'Too Much' is already a fan favourite and clearly has potential as a monster dance hit, as does 'Cupid Boy' which probably out of the two, offers the biggest thrill, despite perhaps not being as radio friendly as 'Too Much'.

'Looking For An Angel' is one of the albums weaker moments, simply because it doesn't match up to the feel of what has come before. Finally we have 'Can't Beat The Feeling'. Big synth intro - check. Ecstasy inducing lyrics - check. Minogue school of philosophy ('there doesn't have to be a reason, there doesn't have to be a why') - check. Vocoder laden middle eight - check. The result is one of those pure moments of joy that only Kylie excels at. 'Can't Beat The Feeling' may not be single material, but like 'Enjoy Yourself, 'Rhythm of Love' and 'Light Years' before it, its one of those quintessential album tracks that just make you smile.

And what about the bonus tracks? The itunes 'Experience Edition' comes with 'Mighty Rivers'. Whilst it may be 'Mighty' by name, it certainly doesn't pack the punch experienced elsewhere, however it is pleasant enough with it's quasi 80's oriental feel. Amazon offer 'Go Hard or Go Home' and this piece of pop trickery fares better. It takes the listener on a 2010 pop journey, from it's acoustic intro, via shaky territory that is R&B lite, through to a pure dance chorus. Finally, we have 'Heartstrings' the Japanese version bonus track. This is by far the strongest of the three - a solid mature pop song in the same vein as 'Everything is Beautiful'.

In conclusion, 'Aphrodite' is the return to form that fans were expecting (cue huge sigh of relief). It's certainly Kylie's most coherent and consistent offer since 'Fever', and whilst that is great in terms of an overall listening experience, it is vital that Parlophone select those singles that demonstrates the multi -faceted dimension of this collection (Aphrodite and Better Than Today), rather than sticking to the tried and tested 'safe' dance anthems.

Tracklisting

All The Lovers

Get Out Of My Way

Put Your Hands Up
Closer

Everything Is Beautiful

Aphrodite

Illusion

Better Than Today

Too Much

Cupid Boy

Looking For An Angel

Can't Beat The Feeling

Bonus Tracks

Mighty Rivers (i-tunes Experience Edition)

Go Hard or Go Home (Amazon bonus track)

Heartstrings (Japansese bonus track)

The pop star, the hits collection and the lack of wardrobe

It's here. Sinitta's much anticipated hits collection. Good old Snit - her of 'appearing on the 'X-Factor' in strategically placed leaves' fame - even Simon Cowell looked embarrassed. Despite her clothes falling off, Sinitta has churned out some good pop songs over the years and for the first time the original versions (and some rare remixes) have been gathered together.

'The Hits + Collection' is a two CD affair. The first CD concentrates mainly on her 'Fanfare' single releases (although 'Cruising' is conspicuous in it's absence) and also includes some rare tracks (SAW written and produced 'How Can This Be Real Love' and 'Do You Wanna Find Out'), a couple of remixes (Pete Hammond's Hi-NRG remix of 'Body Shopping' offers a sparse alternative to original) and two new recordings 'The Day You Said Goodbye' (very Dannii Minogue) and 'Toy Boy (Reloaded)'.

The second CD features even more exciting stuff, including a great alternative remix of 'Cross My Broken Heart' (deep from the PWL vaults), the Promo 12" Mix of 'Love On A Mountain Top' complete with 'Oh La La' sample and Italo-House vibe and the brilliant original 12" of 'Body Shopping' to name but a few highlights.

All in all a well thought out collection with impressive and extensive album art and notes. Truly one for the fans. My only gripe - where is the brilliant 12" version of 'Lay Me Down Easy'?

Tracklisting as follows and available to order at amazon here:

CD 1
So Macho
Feels Like The First Time
Toy Boy
G.T.O.
Cross My Broken Heart
I Don't Believe In Miracles
Right Back Where We Started From
Love On A Mountain Top
Lay Me Down Easy
Hitchin' A Ride
Love And Affection
Shame Shame Shame
Where Did Our Love Go
How Can This Be Real Love (7" Mix)
Do You Wanna Find Out (12" Mix )
Hitchin' A Ride (PWL 7" Remix)
Body Shopping (Pete Hammond Hi-NRG Remix)
I Don't Believe In Miracles (Merlin's New Hit Mix)
Shame Shame Shame (Alternative 12" Mix)
The Day You Say Goodbye
Toy Boy (Reloaded)

CD 2
Toy Boy (The Original Mix)

G.T.O. (Modina's Red Roaring Mix)
Cross My Broken Heart (12" Euro Remix)
I Don't Believe In Miracles (Club Remix)+
Right Back Where We Started From (Left Back On The Side Mix)
Love On A Mountain Top (Promo 12" Mix)
Hitchin' A Ride (PWL Remix)
How Can This Be Real Love (12" Mix)
Body Shopping (12" Mix)
I Just Wanna Spend Some Time With You (12" Mix)
You Keep Me Hanging On (12" Mix)
The Day You Said Goodbye (Pete Hammond's Empire Strikes Back Mix)

This isn't a comeback ...

So what of Whitney's new album? Amazing comeback or damp squib? Neither really. 'I Look To You' is in pretty safe territory and lets be honest, did we expect any different? Opener 'Million Dollar Bill' is probably the bravest track on the collection. It has a pretty cool retro 70's funk/disco vibe going on and one of those 'sing along y'all ladies' choruses that 'It's Not Right But It's OK' excelled at.

The obligatory ballads are on here. We have already heard the R Kelly penned title track but the one we have been looking forward to is the Foster/Warren collaboration 'I Didn't Know My Own Strength'. Now if I didn't know my own ears, I would have thought Simon Cowell had asked Warren to pen the X-Factor/Idol winners song. I am sorry but it's a bit of a let down and doesn't deliver the greatness anticipated.

Then we have the R&B numbers. There is the pleasant 'Like I Never Left' with Akon and a couple of songs about how wonderful love is and lovers are - 'I know somebody is going to make love to this song tonight' muses Whitters on 'Worth It'. How horribly mawkish, and 'For The Lovers' only fares slightly better.

Moving swiftly on and its time to tick another box. 'Dance Whitney' pulls out all the stops on 'A Song For You'. The dramatic piano lead in, the slow to build intro climaxing in a track that frankly sounds a bit dated by modern dance standards. Not to worry though because the crossover appeal is being fully maximised here and the Freeemasons remix of 'Million Dollar Bill' and a Peter Rauhofer remix of 'I Didn't Know My Own Strength' are already in the public domain (the former is really quite good). After all Houston has to keep her gay fanbase on side too.

The albums closer 'Salute' is a winner. It's the kind of dirt we wanted her to dish on this LP and whether this survivors anthem is about her relationship breakdown with Bobby Brown or not, we are all going to assume it is.

'This isn't a comeback. I have been here for years' muses Whitters on 'Salute' and this sums the album up nicely. We expected a brave comeback album but given the circumstances this was always going to be about easing Houston back into the public consciousness and not pushing the envelope. On this count 'I Look To You' delivers - it is a well produced and nicely polished affair with a couple of moments of brilliance.

1. Million Dollar Bill - *Andy's Ace*
2. Nothin’ But Love
3. Call You Tonight
4. I Look To You
5. Like I Never Left (featuring Akon)
6. A Song For You
7. I Didn’t Know My Own Strength
8. Worth It - *Gossie's Goose*
9. For The Lovers
10. I Got You
11. Salute

Second In The Queue

I recently downloaded some Jason Dononvan tracks from his PWL back-catalogue on itunes. It's all very exciting and there is some good stuff on there, although the overall opinion is that its not quite as good as Kylie's.

Imagine the scene. It's January 1990 and Kylie and Jason rock up to the PWL studio's to get their new songs. Kylie manages to tear herself away from Michael Hutchence and is first in the queue. Stock, Lock and Barrel proudly present her with 'Better The Devil You Know'. She's delighted. It's different from her previous outings. A bit more 'down with the kids' and a bloody good pop song to boot. Kylie leaves work with a smile. She knows her career is in a good place and Michael is waiting in bed for her.

Jason Donovan turns up a bit later. He overslept apparently. Not to worry though because Stocky, Atkins Diet and Watershead still have a song up their sleeve for him. His first reaction is one of relief because it's not a cover version. Then he hears 'Hang On To Your Love'. Jason leaves work in tears. The dumper is just around the corner and there is no one waiting in bed for him.

Poor Jase. He could see what Sinitta meant now. Kylie does get all the best songs. Well not quite if these three words are anything to go by - 'Word Is Out'.

Nice Mullet!

'Stick or Twist ' - the choice is hers

What next for Kylie? La Minogue was on top form at this years 'Brits'. She looked stunning, glamorous and understated (which is more than can be said for some of the get-ups Will Baker has had her in over recent months - miaow). 2008 was also an interesting year music wise for Kylie. So much so, that she is now at a crossroads in her pop career. A good time then to ponder on what choices may lay ahead:

(1) More of the same

Another album along the lines of 'X' - i.e. a dollop of electro-pop provided by Bloodshy and Avant, a sprinkle of pop from the fair hands of Cathy Dennis, and a smidgen of 'R&B lite' for good measure. Another successful recipe for Kylie? In my mind no.

The problem with 'X' is that it sounded too prescribed. The sleeve notes may have read like a who's who's of the late 00's music industry, but the record itself sounded like a contrived mish-mash of songs, hand chosen no doubt by record company 'suits', and lacking in any really feeling from Kylie herself. The exception being 'No More Rain', which apparently Minogue had to fight tooth and nail for to make the final cut. 'X' has been Kylie's poorest performing album since she moved to Parlaphone, and I honestly believe it's because the collection lacked any direction. Sure, there was the occasional good song ('The One' being the obvious example and don't even get me started on the lack of 'proper' single release in the UK), but there was nothing to tie the whole collection together - no red thread. The public will become bored of more of the same. A new direction is needed.

(2) The 'Showtunes' album

The idea has been mooted on many a fan messageboard and indeed by the great one herself. It would involve parred down versions of standards (a la 'Over the Rainbow from the 'Showgirl' tour), or even acoustic/ballad versions of Kylie's back catalogue (the crowd pleasing swing version of 'Better the Devil', or something in the vein of the ballad versions of 'White Diamond' or 'Made in Heaven' as featured in the 'White Diamond' Documentary).

I for one would love to see such an album, as would probably much of Kylie's core fan base and gay following. However, would anyone else? The women who look up to Kylie and think her songs are catchy, the men that fancy her and secretly have 'Fever' on their iphones ('it's only for when I am at the gym, honest'). It is likely that such a concept would alienate these key demographics. So whilst the idea is a nice one for us fans, its probably not sensible in this important juncture in Kylie's career.

(3) The retro album

By retro, I am not suggesting a return to SAW. Well not completely anyway. I am talking about a good, old fashioned album with ten really cracking songs on it - not ten average, one crap and two good songs (yes I am referring to 'X' again). Production wise, there should be a small core of producers. This would give the album a consistent sound and some kind of theme that the audience gets and relates to.

The CD should be 80's inspired. Pete Hammond did some great work with Alphabeat last year, and whilst his remix of 'Boyfriend' was identical to his mix of Bananaramas 'I Can't Help It', it did sound surprisingly contemporary in context. There could be a starkness to the album. A style that is perhaps akin to Jam and Lewis' work on Janet Jacksons Control album. To bring some warmth into the mix, how about some Freestyle influence, courtesy of production from the Latin Rascals? There is a holy grail of music to be found between the trinity of PWL, Jam & Lewis, and Freestlyle; and right in the middle of these three styles is where Kyies new album could be hiding.